We had a a few days of intensive training for Jay's team, and a pretty intense playroom experience for him recently. We discovered a new level of loving acceptance for Jaedon. I had to think about being really accepting, really wanting to realte to what is, not just rush through it to what I want. Below is a comment from one of the training facilitators, describing the experience and some of her learnings. Enjoy!
I had my most incredible joining experience EVER last week on an outreach. I feel like I got joining and acceptance at a whole new level I didn't know existed. I thought I was accepting this whole time. And I was, but I had defined acceptance differently. I was accepting, and still wanting more. I now realize, that is not really acceptance! I typed my experience up and thought it would be cool to try with xxx as well. I got soooo much out of this experience! Enjoy!....
I was thinking about how our kids ism because they are looking for predictability and they stay away from people because people are sooooo unpredictable. I was joining a little boy and realized that even when I was joining as exactly as possible, I was still unpredictable....he would break from his ism to move my hands, or I'd accidentally swing my arm and tap his leg, I would go to a different window each time he went to a different window, and occasionally he would move away when I joined, etc. So I decided to make myself the most predictable I could.
He likes rhythm and repetition and singing tunes (sound familiar?!). So I picked one rhythmic tune of 2 notes and for two hours I sat completely still, humming these notes! He did his ism, and I did my own predictable ism. After a few minutes he came over and started exploring my face, looking deeply into my eyes, smiling, laughing, giggling...I continued with my tune, every once in a while giggling with him. I also stayed completely still. I noticed when I broke from the tune or moved, he moved away. He went in and out of being exclusive and coming toward me. I realized, sometimes when he was looking at me I was doing things to try to keep the interaction going. I was wanting him to stay connected. Building. I'd laugh, or I'd peek around his arm to catch his eyes. He went away each time I tried to keep it going. Then I realized my point...my point is to be 100% accepting (without wanting him to be different) when he is with me and when he is not with me. So each time he moved away, I cheered internally that he was giving me the opportunity to be 100% accepting without wanting anything to be different. All while doing my same rhythm and sitting still. He spent lots of time exclusive and I kept telling myself to keep being predictable, not to try to get him to connect, but to really enjoy who he is in this moment and to really enjoy my ism.
This is a boy who does not poop in the toilet. He will hold his poop until he is alone, then he will hide and poop while standing up, in his underwear or pull-up. He will hold it for days if he can not hide. You can see when he is holding it. He tenses his body, stands in his pooping position, and holds it in. He assumed his position. My first thought was "This is the time to encourage the toilet!"....Then I realized "This is MY preference. Not his." I dropped my preference and totally accepted that he was holding his poop in. I continued with my rhythm, sitting still, loving him. He plugged his ears (which he does from time to time). So I stopped my rhythm and sat in silence, totally accepting him, not even wanting him to be different. He pooped in his pull up! In front of me! Inside I thought "That's amazing! Excellent!... Now it's time to change him." Ah-ha, this again was MY preference, not his. I continued to sit in silence, expanding my definition of acceptance. Then he came to sit next to me on the bed. Again, my first thought was, "Uh-oh, that poop is going to smoosh all over and make a big mess to clean up." I was aware, yet again, that was MY preference, not his. He didn't seem to mind it. I dropped my preference. He started laughing, giggling, looking in my eyes, cuddling with me!!! He doesn't cuddle like this typically. I wanted to eat it up and hug him back. I realized, that would make me unpredictable...that would be MY desire. So I smiled, quietly cheered him, showed him my love through my face, and stayed quiet and still. Then, he took my hands and put them around his back! He initiated me hugging him! WOW!
I told myself, this would be totally okay if he decided to ism right now and that I wouldn't want it to be any different. I felt so fulfilled that I had gotten what true acceptance is. Then, he initiated a tickle game by saying "Tickle!" I tickled him. We laughed. I paused after several tickles and celebrations. I was aware, usually when I pause, I am pausing to request. I decided to pause, without wanting anything other than what he wanted to do. Again, he said "Tickle!" We continued this game for several minutes, laughing hysterically, connecting in the deepest way.
So I decided to make this experience a standard part of Team Jaedon training. We had a 'No Fixing Jaedon' week, and everyone new will have a few days of 'No Fixing...' before they move on to anything else...just to make the point, that even if he makes no additional progress, we totally love and accept him just as he is!